The Life and Times of Bro Strider
by ForsakenFerret
Summary: Dirk Strider is an impetuous youth, and he's loving it. Soon though, a fateful decision will place him in a position he couldn't have prepared for. He'll have to mature quite a bit if he wants to take care of a kid... Prescratch Dirk.
1. Dirk's Dilemma

Dirk hated his job. He hated stocking the shelves. He hated the customers, with their stupid questions. He hated that he couldn't mock them when they asked those stupid questions. The thing he hated the most? The dress code.

He couldn't wear his favorite gloves. They wouldn't let him wear his hat, he couldn't even spike his hair! The worst thing though, was that they wouldn't let him wear his shades. He made those shades with his own hands, it wasn't exactly easy either. He'd started small and worked his way up, practicing until he'd gotten them just right. His first, and smallest, pair were nearly perfect. However, his next few attempts had gone downhill. He'd made a few bad pairs before finally getting into the design again and making the pair he wore now. They were his prize possession, beyond the C-man, although he wasn't really a "possession" so much as "the coolest fuckin' roommate that ever graced the planet".

Today though, he was going to do something about it. Or rather, he wasn't going to do anything different than he normally would on any other day. Even now he was skating toward his job, hair tucked safely in his hat and the world dulled by his shades. It was gonna be an awesome day. He stopped outside the Walmart Supercenter, picking up his board and walking in. He headed straight toward the back of the store, where the employees were supposed to gather before their shift started.

The store meeting for his shift had just gotten over and the employees were dispersing. Once one of them noticed him, a buzz descended over the crowd and the manager turned his attention toward him. He leaned against the wall, waiting for the stocky, balding man to totter over to him.

"Mr. Strider, you aren't wearing your uniform. Are you aware you were scheduled to work today?" He asked, slightly short of breath from his walk.

Dirk suppressed a smirk. "Yeah, I know I work. I showed up, didn't I?"

"Then why aren't you in uniform, Mr. Strider?"

"Cause these uniforms blow harder than an eager hooker."

The man's eyes seemed to bulge out of his head for a moment, causing Dirk to fail to suppress the smirk any longer. "What? I... Mr. Strider, please keep your dirty comments to yourself!"

Dirk nodded. "You got it, Boss. Just keep 'em all locked in here like an abused kid in a basement. Banging on the door asking for food they ain't gonna get. And by food, in this case, I mean get uttered." He said, tapping on his head.

The manager's face grew red, but he kept his composure. "Mr. Strider! Grab one of these uniforms and get to work! I'll be keeping an eye on you, and I SUGGEST you work hard these coming weeks if you value your job!"

Dirk turned away from him and the gathering crowd of employees. "Sure dude, you got it." He said, walking past the extra uniforms.

He walked out of the back and headed toward the cooking aisle. His manager followed behind him, keeping an even stride and smiling at every customer he passed. Dirk scoffed, continuing on. The manager caught up to him near the puddings and tapped him on the shoulder. "Sup?" He asked, staring vacantly at the wall of delicious goo, trying to decide which one to buy.

"Mr. Strider, you are completely out of line!" He whispered urgently, glancing about nervously to see if any customers were within earshot.

"Dude, you need to chill your shit down. I'm making a culinary selection here." He said loudly enough for several people to glance over at him.

The manager flinched as if he'd been struck. "Alright, you've made your point." He said pleadingly, reaching into his pocket. "Here, just write your name on this nametag. Tomorrow, come into work early and we can discuss whatever's troubling you. Sound good?"

Dirk cocked an eyebrow at the man, swiping the ticket and jotting on it with a pen he pulled out of his pocket. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"We don't need our image tarnished by some stupid kid on a revenge binge." The man said in a hushed voice.

Dirk couldn't help himself, he started to laugh. "Ahahahaha, oh man! Fuckin' seriously? 'Some stupid kid'? Alright, let's set some shit straight. First off..." He said, removing the sticker which now read "Hello! My name is _Pantytwist McCoy._" and slapping it on the flabbergasted man's chest.

"I am NOT some stupid kid. I am practically brighter than the sun, it should be the rest of the world rockin' shades 'stead of me. Now I can see where you'd get this ridiculous idea, seein' as all I do is try to ignore you as best I can to preserve some small portion of my sanity." He continued, slapping the man's hand in a motion almost too quick to follow as he reached to remove the name tag.

"You must be out of your mind. Get out of here this instant! Consider yourself unemployed! It's kids like you..." The man said, removing the tag and pointing toward the main entrance.

Dirk fixed his gaze on the man, who was still ranting. He didn't need to hear his babbling anymore. He thought it was high time he brought him down a peg. He'd grown up on the street, he'd been in his share of fights. Hell, he'd fought for money more than a few times.

He was strong enough, but what he was really proud of was his speed. No one he had ever fought knew how much he was holding back, he had to put on a show after all. When it came down to it though, he was always just fast enough to avoid that trip or duck that punch when it counted. His true abilities however were much more impressive.

Dirk seemed to twitch, and suddenly the man toppled over holding his gut. There was no way he'd seen the solid punch Dirk had landed, and Dirk had practiced in front of cameras. All the security would see was a middle aged man falling over.

Dirk selected one of the puddings in front of him, stepping over his previous manager, and walked up front to pay. A crowd gathered behind him, but he just kept walking, putting the past behind him and only looking ahead.

After paying, he went back outside getting on his board and pulled out his phone. He weaved through the people on the busy sidewalk effortlessly, texting his buddy Dave the whole time.

"Hey man, quit my job."

"Bout' time, what u gonna do 4 money now? Gotta bring in that change somehow."

Dirk hadn't put much thought into that, though it didn't matter. He could pick up any number of minimum wage jobs in a heartbeat. He probably qualified for some higher paying jobs as well, but he just didn't want to sit at a desk all day, or dress up in a stupid monkey suit. He just wanted to do shit at his own pace.

"Man, I'll just start my own business or somethin'. Crank out some fly beats and sell puppets or some shit."

"Haha, whatev man. Wanna meet at the shop?"

"Yeah, just gotta stop at my place first."

Dirk adjusted his course, his apartment wasn't far off. He'd drop off his spoils of victory and head over to the record shop where Dave worked. He headed up the stairs, taking them several at a time, and dropped off the pudding. Heading back toward the door, he stopped before leaving.

He couldn't get his mind off the dream he'd had the previous week. He'd dreamt of a planet that reminded him of a chessboard.

He just sort of stared at it for awhile before he'd heard a voice. "Do not doubt yourself Dirk. Soon there will be a tremendous change in your life. You will gain something of untold value, though it will cost you dearly as well. You shall have a hand in the fate of your entire universe. Forge ahead with the knowledge that you have the capability to handle anything that stands before you. And when the foretold day finally arrives, you will have done everything in your power to prepare your brother for his role in what is to come."

He'd kinda written it off as a bad cheeseburger the night before, the thing had been in the fridge for like...A week?, but he remembered the words vividly to this day. He'd also found it kind of nonsensical, seeing as he didn't have a brother, but who was he to tell dreams they had to make fuckin' sense? He grabbed Cal and stored him in his sylladex. He also grabbed the shades he'd made, the small pair. They didn't quite fit Cal, so he didn't really know why he had kept them, besides the fact that they were the first pair he'd made. He tucked them in his pocket regardless, as it just somehow felt right.

With that he finally felt ready to leave, narrowly avoiding a young couple on the stairs. They shouted at him as he jumped down the last five stairs, landing on his board and skating out the door. He put some honest thought into his puppet idea. He'd seen some pretty weird shit in his time, he wouldn't be surprised if people would pay to see puppets doin' weird shit. God knows how he could portray things, his mind was like a cavern of lewd imagery just begging to be let out.

He snapped from his reverie when he noticed something in the sky. At first he'd written it off as a plane, but now that he could see it was getting closer he could tell that clearly was not the case. It actually seemed to be heading straight for the record shop. He unconsciously picked up his pace, keeping an eye on the mysterious object.

It wasn't long until he realized that it was a meteor, an unbelievably large one at that. He pulled out his phone, urgently pulling up Dave's number and texting him.

"Dude, you need to get out now! There's a crazy fuckin' meteor headed straight for you!"

"What? Hang on with your crazy ass stories, I got a customer here."

Dirk made for the shop as quickly as possible, though the meteor was headed faster by the second. He nearly wiped as he rounded a corner too fast, but the shop was in sight now. The meteor was close enough for Dirk to make out details by now, and it was going to be a close race. He was only two blocks from the store when it became clear the meteor would strike first.

He pulled out his phone, dialing Dave's number. It rang twice before he picked up. A block away. "Dude, what? Can't it wait till you get here?"

"Get the hell out Dave!" Half a block.

"What? Man is that you? Slow down you're gonna crash through the doors."

Dirk saw Dave standing in the doorway, reaching out to him futiley. The impact of the meteor knocked him off his board and sent him sailing backward. He managed to land in a crouch, catching his board before it flew past. He shielded his eyes with his arm as the blast pelted him with debris.

Once the commotion subsided he looked up to see nothing but a giant hole where the shop had once stood. He ran to the edge of the crater, frantically searching for any sign of his friend. He found nothing of that sort, what he did find however caused his jaw to drop. In the center of the crater sat a baby, gurgling contentedly on top of a dead pony.

"What the hell?" He said to himself. He hopped into the crater, sliding down the rather steep edge with ease. Walking over to the baby, he examined it closer. He couldn't help but notice that its face bore a resemblance to his own, which he found unsettling.

"The fuck is this? Final Fantasy twentysevenbillion? Meteor crushes my friend and it turns out there's some retarded space baby riding it." He said, standing over the odd scene with his arms folded in front of him. "Man, what the hell do I do?"

He thought about leaving the kid there, some schmuck would take pity and save the thing. Then again... the words from the dream came back to him. "You shall gain something of untold value, though it will cost you dearly as well." He knelt down toward the baby, pulling the small pair of shades out of his pocket. He held them out toward the child, who snatched them up almost instantly.

The baby stared at them for a while, seemingly deciding whether to chew on them or toss them, before suddenly shoving them onto its face. It giggled with delight, clapping its tiny hands. Dirk smiled at the sight, but was quickly drawn to the sound of sirens closing in. He had a decision to make it seemed. Leave the kid, or take it with him. He wasn't really fit to be anyone's dad, but there was something about this kid.

The child looked at him, reaching out toward his face. "Bro..." It gurgled, then the shades fell off his face and he began to cry.

Dirk's heart melted at the sight. "Come on, let's get you outta here before this place is crawlin' with cops." He said, scooping up the kid.

The only thing left to do was give him a name. He hoisted the baby on to his shoulders, hanging on to his legs. He picked up the pony as well, storing it in his sylladex, no need to have the police thinking some alien horse had decimated the record shop. "Back to my place, that cool with you Dave?"


	2. Reminiscence

People looked at him strangely as he skated home, some commenting on how terrible it was to expose a baby to dangerous things like skateboarding, but he just blew it off and kept going. Wasn't a single fuckin' person gonna tell him how to, or how not to, raise his lil' bro.

Lil' bro... That was a term that would take some getting used to. He'd never known his parents, much less any brothers. He'd grown up in a small orphanage in a shithole town in Texas. He'd grown up with Cal, his only possession at the place. The caretakers there would always shy away from the puppet, and he'd heard them whispering to each other about how he must be some kind of psycho, or how his parents weren't human and they'd left him there to feed on the other children. It had depressed him back then, but now he found it rather funny.

He'd never understood why people hated Cal so much. His mischievous grin and ridiculous attire had cheered Dirk up so many times when he was a kid that he'd lost count. There was one time where another of the kids at the orphanage had managed to steal Cal away from him. He made Dirk chase him around the backyard for a while before calling some of his lackeys to hold him.

The kid pulled out a lighter he'd stolen from one of the caretakers and held it up to Cal, saying he was "finally gonna kill the fuckin' puppet". Dirk had pleaded with him to stop, but he eventually did set Cal's leg on fire. Dirk was never entirely sure what happened next, it was all kind of a blur. All he knew is the second he saw the fire on Cal, something inside of him snapped and the next thing he knew he was cradling Cal in his arms while the bully was lying on the ground, several of his teeth lying on the ground next to him. The kids who'd been holding him back were staring in astonishment.

And then he'd run. Never looking back, he just ran. They'd searched for him, but he'd managed to evade them. Dirk had taken on a new name when he'd run from the orphanage, choosing to leave the old name behind with his old life. It wasn't long till he fell in with Dave and his crew. They'd practically been family to him, though only Dave had seen Cal. He'd described him as "pretty cool, in like a fucked up kinda way." It was through them that he'd found his love of mixing beats and fighting.

A woman shrieked as Dirk haphazardly swerved around her at the last moment, having been so lost in thought he'd forgotten to watch where he was going. Dave started crying at the noise and Dirk stopped the board and took him down off his shoulders. He held the baby at arms length as it wailed, his face the picture of trepidation. The child reached out toward him, his cries increasing in intensity when he couldn't reach Dirk.

"Aw man, just... Here." Dirk said in a hushed voice, holding the child closer. Dave's cries ebbed slightly as he buried his face in Dirk's shirt. Then crying turned into sobs, which turned into a contented humming. Dave pulled his head away from Dirk, wiping his runny nose with an arm before reaching up toward Dirk's shoulders again.

Dirk looked down at his white shirt, now smeared with slobber and snot. "Just fuckin' charming... Thanks Lil' Man..." He said, placing Dave back up on his shoulders and cringing when the mucus covered hands clasped onto his neck. "The hell am I doing this for again?" Dirk asked himself, resuming his journey back toward his apartment.

The remainder of the trip was uneventful, with Dave simply staring at the people on the street. Dirk pulled the child off his shoulders before entering the apartment, and took the stairs more gently than usual. Reaching his apartment, he tossed the skateboard into the living room and laid on the couch, holding Dave above him.

"Man, what in the actual fuck am I supposed to do with you? I don't have a crib or diapers or any of that shit..." He sighed, sitting up and setting Dave on the couch next to him. He looked around the small apartment, swords and wires everywhere. Not exactly the best place to be raising a kid. Dave began fussing and Dirk handed him the tiny shades again, which he'd stored in his pocket since the crater. Instead of wearing them this time though, Dave immediately set to chewing on them.

Dirk moved to take them away from him, but thought better of it. "Yours now kid. If you're gonna eat 'em, go right ahead." Dirk headed over to the second bedroom in the apartment. He and Dave had rented the place together, since Dave's girlfriend would often kick him out for being an "irresponsible prick." The room was mostly barren, save for a shitty mattress in the corner and a small TV on a stand. His friend Dave wouldn't need it anymore, but there was another Dave who did.

He'd need to buy a crib, or better yet build one himself. Couldn't be that hard to build a cage for a baby to sleep in, right? He walked back into the living room and saw Dave had dropped the shades on the floor. He picked them up and rinsed them off in the kitchen sink before returning them to Dave.

"Alright kid, you ready to go out again? Gotta get some necessities and shit." He said, hoisting Dave off the couch. He took the shades from Dave's chubby little hands and placed them on his eyes. Dave's face set into a smile and he reached out toward Dirk. Dirk held him closer and the kid snuggled up to him and fell asleep within moments.

Dirk set him down on the couch gently. He gathered several strips of material from around the house and brought them into the living room so he could keep an eye on Dave and make sure he didn't fall off the couch or some shit. Having a puppet as a best friend, you get to learning a thing or two about making things out of different fabrics. Dirk lashed a few old backpack and dufflebag straps together and under his expert hand a harness soon took form.

He checked the sizing once more before strapping it to himself. The harness hung in front of him and was secured to his chest. Picking Dave up gently, he set him in the harness and strapped Dave in. The kid woke up for a moment, moved around a bit to get comfortable and fell asleep again. Dirk chuckled quietly to himself. "Man, never woulda believed this shit'd be goin' down if I'd gone back in time and told me myself." He said with a sigh.

Dirk scooped up his board from where it had landed. Heading toward the door of the apartment, he regarded the broken lock for the first time in months. He didn't really have anything worth stealing, so he hadn't bothered fixing it. Now though... Dirk headed for the elevator to avoid jostling Dave too much. He'd been having an idea for a new song, and he was bobbing his head slightly as the beat formed in his head. The ding of the elevator snapped him back to present and awakened Dave, who began crying.

Dirk headed into the elevator after two others walked out, looking at him with shock. "Never seen a crying kid before?" He asked, hitting the door close button to stop them staring. Dirk began rocking Dave unconsciously to the beat in his head, and Dave's cries lost enthusiasm before he nodded off once more. Dirk smiled. "Kid's got it, all chillin' when that delirious beat fills him." The elevator reached the bottom a short while later and the two of them were off toward the store for supplies.


	3. Consequences

Their shopping trip was interesting. Dirk had no idea what to buy for Dave, there were so many different selections, and they were all different prices. He contemplated getting the manager involved, but decided against it. "Should I just breast feed you kid, fuckin' au naturel this shit?" He asked, looking down at Dave. Dave grimaced, squirming a bit in the harness. "Yeah, I think I'm a few cup sizes short of that option." He said, browsing the powdered formulas. Eventually he grabbed one of middling price, figuring it would do fine.

A few bottles and a large haul of diapers later, Dirk was ready to leave. He brought everything up to the cashier to pay. A young woman was working behind the counter and started babbling about how cute Dave was as she was ringing up his items. "Such a cutie, where's his mommy?" She asked.

"Outer space, flying around on asteroids." Dirk said dead serious, throwing his cash on the counter and heading out the door before she could react.

He stopped by a local hardware store and bought some lumber and the new lock as well. He didn't skimp on the lock. He didn't live in the ritz, kid would need a good lock if he ever left. By the time he'd finished all his shopping, Dirk's sylladex was packed, which was especially difficult due to his modus. He made it work though, as usual.

The ride home was pleasant, and Dirk was somewhat surprised to see the sun setting. "Didn't realize I'd taken that long..." He mumbled. As they neared the apartment, Dave started to get fussy and Dirk caught a whiff of the scent he'd been dreading. He hurried the rest of the way back, eager to get the diaper off of Dave.

Dave was bawling by the time Dirk hit the staircase, and he sprinted up the stairs two at a time. When he hit the corridor his apartment was in, he stopped dead and planted a hand over Dave's mouth. His apartment door was open a crack, and he damn sure hadn't left it that way. Was it police coming to investigate Dave's residence after the meteor incident? Had someone finally broken in, as the carelessness would suggest? Dirk's thoughts whirled for a moment, should he leave to keep Dave safe? Leave him outside and deal with the intruder? No, Dave would be safer with him. He brought his katana from his strife specibus, looking at Dave with a look that begged silence. The infant seemed to understand, and when Dirk took his hand from his mouth he remained quiet.

Dirk edged closer to the door, trying to hear what was going on inside. He heard the faint sound of a man and two women talking, they must be in the living room. He pushed the door open silently and made his way toward the living room, katana at the ready. When he got to the doorway however, his trepidation gave way to anger when he identified the male voice. "Ryan!" He shouted, stashing his katana and walking into the living room.

The young man, a few years older than Dirk with greasy black hair and tattered clothes, removed his arm from one of the two clearly intoxicated women sitting next to him and waved. "Yo, D-man! What's up? Or should I say oni, you know, cause of your Japanese shit and they're like Japanese demons or whatever." He said, breaking into laughter at his own joke.

"Time to go." He said simply, standing next to the open door.

"Oh my god! You didn't tell us he had a kid! He's so cute, what's his name!?" The women said, rushing over to Dirk.

"I'm not real positive you heard me, time to go." He said, holding Dave out of their reach. The women continued to ignore him, and Dirk decided to take matters into his own hands.

Dirk suddenly disappeared, leaving the drunken women confused. One of them shrieked as a plush hand tapped her on the shoulder. She turned to see Cal with his huge grin standing behind them with arms crossed, twitching slightly as he always did when Dirk was moving full speed.

"Aw, come on dude? The creepy fuckin' puppet?" Ryan sighed.

The woman fled as her friend stood frozen in terror. Cal moved toward her, shooing her with waves of his arms. She still refused to move, and before she knew it the puppet was right in her face with his mouth slightly agape and head cocked sideways. Rather than flee, the stunned woman fainted.

Dirk stopped, Dave clinging to his head while sitting on his shoulders and Cal slumped in his hands. The smell of Dave's diaper was even less pleasant this close to his nose. "Really? Damnit, get her out of here Ryan." He sighed, stashing Cal once more and taking Dave down off his shoulders.

"Dude, I came here when I heard Dave got offed by that meteor. Help a dude through his grief, know what I'm sayin'? Brought some bitches for us too, but you had to ruin that." Ryan protested, standing from the couch and moving toward Dirk.

Dirk brushed past him. "I have no interest in you or your 'bitches'. Now if you'd do like I asked and bring her home, or back to whatever bar you found her in, that'd be fantastic." He said, setting Dave down on the floor.

"Man, I thought we were bros. I know I haven't seen you in like a year, but we're tight right? I just got kicked out of..."

"We're about as tight as a forty year old hooker's vag, now for the last time, scoot." Dirk replied dryly as he undid Dave's diaper. He wasn't looking forward to the next part. Best to do it as quickly as possible. He retrieved the bag of diapers from his sylladex and opened it.

Ryan continued complaining behind him as Dirk worked up the nerve to change the soiled article. "Why you gotta be like this man? I need a place to crash, and you just had one open up. Is it cause of that kid? Dude, I know plenty of women who'd kill for a kid. Could probably make a real easy buck if you sold him off, then liquor up, know what I mean?"

Dirk took a deep breath and in a flash the diaper was off and a new one was on. Now the only problem was what to do with it... Looking back at Ryan, Dirk had an idea. He turned lighting fast, hurling the diaper toward the jabbering idiot. He made the mistake of dropping his jaw in astonishment just as it hit him in the face and stuck.

"Do you even listen to half the shit coming out of your mouth? I thought not, so I figured I'd put some back in it for you to think about." He said, grabbing his arms before he could rip it off and shoving him out the door.

"Time to go, for the last time, and don't worry about the floozie. I'll send her packing when she wakes up." He said, slamming the door behind him.  
He heard something hit the other side of the door, the diaper he assumed, but was troubled no further. He went back over to pick up Dave, sliding him into the harness and grabbing a cloth and some water. He opened the door and was surprised to find that it was in fact the diaper, but there was nothing on the door. He'd balled it up when he threw it, and the clean side was out.

"Bout time I get a break." He said, scooping up the offensive garment.

He walked back into the apartment, tossing the diaper in the trash and filling a glass up with water. As soon as it was full he walked back to the door and splashed it onto the unconscious woman.

"What the hell?! Who..." She protested groggily, sitting up immediately.

"If you would..." Dirk said, opening the door and motioning her out. Without another word, the woman sprinted outside.

Dirk shut the door with a heavy sigh, walking into the living room and flopping onto the couch. Dave clapped excitedly when they hit the couch, giggling the whole time.  
"Oh, you like that Dave? Looks like I've traded friends and fun for a kid, huh Lil' Man? S'alright though. Now I've got a little bro." He said, pulling Dave out of the harness and looking at him. The shades on Dave's face threatened to slide off, but Dirk readjusted them for the child.

"B'o" Dave gurgled contentedly.

"That's right, Bro. And I've always got your back dude." Dirk said, setting Dave down and holding up his fist. He tucked Dave's tiny hand into a fist and bumped it with his own. "Alright, now let's go get some food. I'm fuckin' starving, how bout you?"

Dave giggled again, waving his arms happily as he did so. "That's what I thought. After we get some eats, we'll see about that lock. No more strangers coming in and out. Won't have to put the beatdown on 'em, you know?" Dirk laughed, lifting up Dave and heading to the kitchen.


End file.
